I watched the toddler as she sat on her father’s knee, banging her hands against his chest in anger and frustration. I watched her shout and scream and cry – why? Why? Why?
And I watched her father’s arms gently hold her, slowly becoming closer and closer as he held her tight, allowing her to smash her hands against his chest, but still holding her, loving her. And I saw the tears in his eyes as he held her, knowing she was suffering so much.
Please adjust. A month ago I had to adjust in ways I never imagined as my youngest sister passed away after a long battle with sarcoma. Ever since she was diagnosed the whole family prayed and fasted and did battle over the vile disease that is cancer. Then 3 months of refusing to believe that the end was coming – not in the way we hoped – until finally it happened.
And we were all left to deal with our emotions in our own ways. I can only speak for myself – I was so angry. I still am. I’m angry that death came too soon for my 50-year-old sister. But mostly I’m angry with God. Don’t worry – I’ve told him. I’ve banged my hands on his chest. – yes, that toddler is me. Over these past few weeks I’ve told him time and time again that I’m angry that he didn’t answer our prayers. I’m angry that for whatever reason, he did not heal her.
When I first heard about her sarcoma I refused to accept it. No way. That is not happening. Not Julie. I refused to accept it. I do not understand why God allowed this to happen. I am angry with God. I don’t believe that sarcoma is part of God’s plan. I refuse to believe that.
So what do I do with all that?
When she first went into hospice care I was wrestling with the fact that God didn’t seem to be healing her. It felt incredibly hard holding on to these 2 truths – that God could heal her but that he might not but was still real and loving. I came across a great quote from Barbara Brown Taylor that put my stress into better words than I could from someone who was going through a similar wrestling match with pain and suffering:
“I found myself turning away from the God in charge of pain removal towards the God who stayed with me through the pain no matter what I said”
In my anger and my pain I know that God is going to get us all through this. I know he will be close to us. I have seen God show up in my pain time and time again so I know I can trust him. But I am still angry with him. I feel just like I’m sitting on his knee smashing my hands on his chest like that child in a tantrum. And at the same time I can feel his love and his pain and his sorrow as he holds me tight.
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